


Burn

by Contego



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 22:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13063905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Contego/pseuds/Contego
Summary: He's the sun and it hurts. It hurts because I know it burns to be near him, but I can't stop.





	1. Baz

**Author's Note:**

> A fic that may or may not be more than it is. Who knows? We'll find out.

I'm  flammable.  I'm Icarus and Simon snow is the sun. I'm flying closer and closer, my wings ready to give out at any second. But I’ll do anything to touch him. To feel his warmth. I need to feel it. Feel  _ him.  _ I’m such a fucking mess.

 

Here I am. Outside during the coldest day of the year in nothing but jeans and a button-up shirt. My own thoughts have gotten to me again. 

 

_ “You hurt him you monster!”  _ My brain keeps telling, screaming at me. How could I do this? I’m a monster. I do nothing but hurt things. I feel my stomach fill with a burning sensation. Just thinking about what I almost did to him makes me sick to my stomach. 

 

I'm fucking flammable and Simon snow is the fire inside of me, ready to combust me into ashes. But I hurt him and now the fire inside me is a rage. An Untamable rage. 

 

He's the sun and it hurts. It hurts because I know it burns to be near him, but I can't stop.  He's my kryptonite. I love him, but I hurt him. 

 

The only thing keeping me from bursting into flames in this moment is the darkness and the coldness within myself. The absence of my soul leaving behind a stark emptiness. Is this what it feels like to be in love with someone filled with fire?  Is this what it feels like to be so empty, yet so full of feeling? It's a feeling I can't quite yet describe. Could it be love? Hate?  _ Both _ ? I’m disgusted with myself.

 

I love that I hate Simon, but hate how I love him. Why do I want to push him away? Why do I want to hurt him? Maybe I push him away because I don't want to experience the pain that comes with love.  Maybe I hurt him because I want to hurt myself. Maybe because I'm just unlovable. A travesty. A fucking mess is what I am. Simon says I’m fine the way I am… But I can see that he thinks the same. After tonight he probably thinks I’m just another typical dark creature. I need to be extinguished. 

 

I'm flammable. One mess up, one spell and I'm gone. I think that's what I want. I'm a monster, after all.  Simon Snow would never love a monster. Not even I would love a monster---  _ I’m a monster _ .  All it takes is just that one spell and it's all over.

 

I look up at the night sky, counting the stars one by one. Possibly for the last time. I held up my wand, whispering the magic words. Fire appeared before me, burning with a raging intensity. The size was small, but in time it would grow and soon swallow me up. It was a physical manifestation of what I felt inside of myself.  I sat there thinking. 

 

Should I do it?  End it all to save Simon the effort? 

 

“ Baz?"  When did he get here? Did he follow me? Why would he do that? I look up at him, tears welling up in my eyes. The scratches on his face were lined with dried blood. I choked back a sob just thinking about what I did. What I could have done had he not pushed me off. "What are you doing? You’re flammable!"  Simon looked at me, panic in his eyes. Why did he care so much? He hates me.  He must hate me after what I’ve done. I would hate me, too.  

 

"I know, Simon. Let me burn. Please. I deserve it."  Simon pulled me to my feet, stomping out the fire with his boots. He looked me in my eyes, drawing closer. I ripped my gaze from him, biting my lip. Why couldn’t he just let me burn?  _ Why _ ? 

 

"I'll never let you burn, Bastillion.  Please. Let's go home."  He begs. I could hear the desperation in his voice. Did he really need me like I needed him? I don't say anything, but I nod. He gives me a short kiss on the forehead and leads me back towards home.    _ Home.  _ Simon and I are going home. To  _ our _ home… Together. 

 

Simon Snow loves me. 

And I love him. 

 


	2. Simon

The walk back to our home was quiet. Neither of us decided to speak. I didn’t know what I could say to make things better. My cheek stung when the air blew on it, which just served as a crisp reminder as to what happened just hours before. Only the soft sniffles from Baz were heard through the loud gusts of cold air. God, I can only imagine what he’d be thinking right now. Some days Baz was good with his thoughts. Some days he didn’t let the bad thoughts get to him. But the other days he can’t handle them. And it’s my job to ground him again. 

 

“Hey, Baz, uh... I... Just letting you know I’m not mad at you.” I said softly, letting all the breath from my lungs escape. Baz still didn’t say anything. He just stared at the ground, the lost look in his eyes getting more and more noticeable. I just want to hug him.  _ No _ , I want to kiss him.  _ No _ , I want to be with him. Just the two of us. 

 

Our home wasn’t too far from where Baz wandered off. That’s how I found him so quickly. But that was also his go-to spot when he was in one of his moods. I shivered from the cold, fumbling with my keys to open the door. Fuck my hands were frozen solid. Baz simply stared into space like he usually did when he got like this. 

 

“Home sweet home.” I gave a crooked smile, opening the door and shoving us inside. Finally the warmth! The sweet, sweet warmth. I let out a sigh of relief, leading Baz to the couch and helping him sit down. Man, Baz was in bad shape this time. I don’t blame him, though. He hasn’t been feeding properly, which caused him to go batshit crazy and then try to drain me. If I didn’t push him away he probably would have gotten me. But in the process of the tussle, he managed to leave three long scratches on my left cheek. The dried blood stuck to my face, which was totally uncomfortable.

 

"Hey, Baz, everything will be okay. We'll go get you something to feed on tomorrow and- and you'll be better." I sat down next to him, wrapping my arm around him. I just need to get him back into the right head space. Then everything will be fine for now. He didn't say anything. All he did was a nod in agreement and lay his head on my shoulder. This is good! It meant he was finally coming down from this episode. After fighting dark creatures for a living, I should know how they work, right? But I don't. And for that, I blame myself. 

 

"Snow?" Baz's voice asked softly, looking up at me. This is great! He's speaking! He'll be out of this funk in no time. I made a sound in response, my grip on him getting tighter. He placed a soft kiss on my cheek, "I love you." I would be lying if I didn't say I was the color of a beet. I muttered out a quick I love you and smiled softly. We'd be okay. Things aren't perfect between us in the slightest. But I love him. And he loves me. We'll be okay. And if that meant having to chase him down night after night, God help me, I'd do it. 

 

Tyrannus Basilton Pitch, I'll never stop loving you for as long as I live. 

 


End file.
